written by: John Glass
I am recently divorced. After 11 years of a committed relationship I have been getting back into dating. At times this scares the crap out of me. Having to put myself out there, again. It takes some great courage and willingness to be in the uncertainty that dating creates.
From what I have found, dating can be one of the most confusing and frustrating aspects of a man’s life.
At least for me this is true.
I personally have found, it is challenging to approach a woman I am attracted to. To invite a woman on a first date. Then to go on the date itself.
The one thing I have found that gets the best of me in the dating world is my own anxiety. My anxiety about the outcome of my interaction with a woman that I find attractive.
Many of you men may relate to my experiences with dating. Some of you may not.
Here is the thing, I have found that I can excel and be successful at just about any job. This is especially true once I learn and apply as much as I can about the job. I take pride in knowing and doing my job to the best of my ability.
One particular trade that resonates with me about my willingness to strive to be the best I can be was when I was a salesperson, selling tires.
It was one of the first sales jobs I ever had. In my head, I had a stigma about sales people. I thought sales people were sneaky, conniving individuals who just want what you have in your wallet. No not the sandwich punch card, but the plastic or your cash. Going into this sales job I was not sure this was the job for me, but I went with it.
With good training and lots of experience, I began to become a great sales person. As I did this job I came to the realization that although there are sales people who match the stigma, that did not mean that I was going to be that person.
You are probably thinking, “How does this tie into dating?” Let me explain it to you.
Just like that stigma about sales people. I walk around with a stigma about the way I present myself. I think, “I don’t want to be seen as “that guy”.”
I don’t want to be the guy who comes off a sleazy, perv who just wants sex. I don’t want to be the guy who constantly hits on woman with only one intention. I don’t want to be the guy who crosses boundaries with woman.
So instead, I worked at being the complete opposite of that guy. I did not show my sexual intentions. I talked to woman only as a friend. I worked to control my anxiety when around woman. I found out that is not a great way to be either.
With some tweaks here and there, I am now working at being a more balanced man in my dating life. A man that shows interest in a woman without focusing on the outcome. A man that adores the woman he is dating so much that when he is with her, we are the only ones in the world. A man that presents his sexual side, instead of hiding it.
To help me with becoming the man I want to be in my dating life I took certain aspects of dating, combined them with aspects of my sales job, thus helping me gain greater understanding.
From here on out I am going to be using what I learned during my time as a sales person and applying it to aspects of attracting and dating.
Plain and simple. Target audience are the people you want to meet and date. Just as a sales person works to understand what their target audience is for their product. It is also important for you to work to know the traits you want in a partner. Not just physical, I am talking about all the traits you desire.
Here is the facts, not every person you meet will have high interest in you and you will not have high interest in every person.
Similar to selling a specific product, not every person you talk to is going to be interested in your product. That is just the truth.
It is really great to know who you want to attract. The thing is that you will attract what you are. Meaning that how you live your life, there is a higher chance you will attract someone living in a similar way.
To gain a better understanding of who you attract, as well as who you want to attract here is what you need to do.
Approach and converse with everyone you cross paths with. That way you become more comfortable with talking to different people. When you eventually approach someone of interest, it will be easier for you to hold a conversation with this person.
While talking to this person of interest, it is your job to gauge the individual’s interest in you. Do they have low or high interest? It is best if you practice this as you talk to everyone. It will help you find what attracts you and who is attracted to you.
See the thing is, the more you expose yourself to talking to others, the better you will get at it, but you will also see where your attraction lies.
The reason for talking to everyone is to reduce your anxiety and help you become comfortable in yourself, comfortable with who you are. As you approach and converse with people of interest, you are also looking for your target audience.
Responding in short phrases, talks about their partner, body is pointed away from you, lack of eye contact, lack of curiosity about you, pulls away if you use appropriate touch and the list goes on. These are things that show low interest.
Being inquisitive about you, holds eye contact, body is pointed towards you (especially feet), laughs at jokes, compliments you, shares stories about themselves, moves in closer, touches you appropriately, responds to your touch, and so on. That is high interest.
Now, something I want to remind you of. It is okay if you are not interested. It is okay if you excuse yourself and walk away. You are not required to continue talking with someone who is either showing low interest or you have low interest in.
Also, start making a list of traits you find desirable in a partner. Again, more than just physically.
Advertising/Marketing of Product
For this example, product = traits (personality, physical, emotional, and others). Your individual traits to be more specific.
I am sure you have all been up late at night and have caught a glimpse of an infomercial.
Infomercial’s use direct advertising methods. They present a product. They tell you all about it. Then they give you a demonstration of how great the product is.
In a similar way, that is what you want to do when you are meeting and talking to people of interest. I am not saying that you are to put on a show for them or try to impress them with all the great things about you.
The idea here is that you want to give them evidence that you are comfortable in who you are, assertive about who you are, and a strong choice for them to date. You want to present to them your quality traits that make you who you are.
Show them how you treat others with respect, how you enjoy their company, that you can carry a conversation, that you lead an interesting life. Be vulnerable, be honest, be willing to share about yourself.
Create a conversation thread. Link a story about yourself to something they said prior. Throw in some humor, your opinion, and use “because” statements. Ex. “I love Starbucks because if I don’t get my Starbucks fix then I am no good for the day. What is your order at Starbucks?”
Give them an infomercial of who you are, not of who you are willing to become for them.
Places to Market
There are people of interest everywhere you look. The grocery store, the bar, the coffee house, and many other places.
Just like a business it is important that you understand first who you are trying to market to. Then you can begin to choose the places you market your product (you).
This is true for dating. You must first figure out the kind of partner you want.
Once you have a greater understanding of the partner you want you will know what places to market yourself. The reason for this is because as you find the person you are attracted to you; will find the different places that those types of people enjoy being at.
There is also the idea that you don’t know who a person is unless you take the action to go up and talk to them. Take action next time you see the person of interest.
Gala’s, art gallery openings, benefit dinners are a great place to meet people who share passions of self-development, culture, compassion, experiencing new things, and helping others.
When working as a salesperson, your ultimate goal is to make the sale. The point of being a salesperson is to market the product, converse with your target audience, and make the sale. It is called closing.
This relates to dating as well. Before the end of your meeting with a person you are interested in you want to close with them.
You want to walk away with some way to connect with them later, so that you can ask them on a date. Again, you want to do this with people you have an interest in and who have an interest in you.
Also, remind yourself that you don’t owe them anything and they don’t owe you anything. What I mean by that is go about your life as you normally do. Do not try to make this person your life so immediately. Take time, get to know them, and enjoy them.
There is always the chance that you may not have time to talk. I think making a quick close so that later you can assess your interest through contact is great.
On the go, but see a person of interest. Stop, walk up, say hi, introduce yourself, tell them they caught your interest, but you are on your way out, let them know you want their number so that you can invite them to join you on your next adventure.
It has helped me to look at dating in terms that I am familiar with. Also connecting something that I am good at, sales, to something that I have found challenging, dating, has assisted me in gaining a greater understanding.
Let’s get out there and start smiling, saying hi, and having conversations with people that we cross paths with.
As Theodore Roosevelt said, “…if he fails, at least he fails daring greatly…” Let us dare greatly!
originally posted on The Good Men Project