Got your attention, good. I want to talk about some myths that our society has attached to the sexual nature of a man. Throughout many of my conversations with men and women about sex, I have heard a number of comments about what a man should be when it comes to his sexual nature.
Recently, I was having a conversation with a woman who directly told me men need to do anything that they can to make sure they last longer during sex.
At first, I was taken aback by her forwardness. Then I was disappointed and frustrated with such a comment. Especially when she began to talk about how men should watch porn more as well.
My natural instinct was to defend men. I began discussing facts on the average time it takes a man to reach orgasm during sex (2-5 mins according to The Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy) and how destructive watching porn can be for a man’s brain and sex drive. I told her that her mindset contributes to the problem and not the solution.
Then I turned the therapist in me on and began to explore where her thoughts and feelings were coming from. Found some interesting things but that is not the reason for writing this article.
I have had many conversations similar to this one with both men and women. Each of them in my belief perpetuates so many myths about a man’s sexual nature.
It seems that the idea that a man thinks about sex every 7 seconds has become ingrained within our culture. I find this hilarious and let me tell you why. There are 86,400 seconds in a day. If you minus the recommended 8 hours of sleep that leaves 57,600 seconds in a functioning day. That means that a man thinks about sex during a day 8,228.5 times.
With numbers like that, I am not sure how a man is supposed to get anything done in a day.
A number of experiments have been conducted that disprove this myth (Study Debunks Stereotype That Men Think about Sex All Day), yet it is still hardwired in our belief system about men.
There are other myths that have perpetuated the stereotype that men are these sexually aggressive beings and need to be champions in the bedroom with every sexual encounter. Below are three myths that I am going to go “myth-buster” on. So, for your reading pleasure let us begin
Myth #1: Men only want one thing “sex”
This is an interesting one. Yes, men want sex. Yes, men enjoy sex. No, not all men are “players” that all they want is sex.
This myth is socially conditioned to us through our family, friends, media, and organizations. Social conditioning is a hard thing to unlearn and change so you must be willing to see and acknowledge what is happening because of this myth.
Ultimately, the idea behind this is that men only want sex and do not want committed relationships because all men think about is sex and will do everything in their power to get it.
Taking this myth and generalizing it to all men creates issues in both genders.
For men, there is this false idea that if you are not having sex or trying to have lots of sex then you are in some way less of a man.
For women, this idea has created guards and shields to protect themselves from men that are only interested in sex with them. Which in their minds may be all men.
Between these two behaviors, what we are ending up with are men who feel it is their need to pursue sex and women that feel the need to protect themselves from men because all they want is sex.
There are a number of men who have little experience with sex. These men seem to think that it is required of them to have lots of sex to prove their masculinity.
There are a number of men who have lots of sex with women, yet at some point, they begin to realize that doing this is not fulfilling to them. It dawns on them that they desire so much more than societies “box” that all men want is sex.
The truth is that the majority of men who can see past this socially constructed idea want to have relationships. Committed relationships where they feel loved, cared for, supported, understood, and validated. Of course, sex is a part of these committed relationships, but it is not the only part that men want.
Myth #2: Men are the gatekeepers of the female orgasm
Yes, I understand that a woman wants to be pleased by their man. The man wants to be pleased as well. The problem is that a number of woman think that it is the duty of the man to know how to please the woman.
Here is the thing; each women is different when it comes to their erogenous zones. Just as every man is different. Every man has different erogenous zones that make him feel pleasure not just the thing between his legs.
Every woman is different and for that reason, it is important that a woman knows what she enjoys and what pleases her. If a woman does not know what makes her excited, then how is a man going to know what makes her excited?
It is important for men to be aware of how the woman is reacting to their touch and kisses. It is equally important that a woman tell the man about what feels good or what she likes. Thinking that the man is completely in charge of a woman’s orgasm or pleasure gives all the power and pressure to the man. If he does not perform to the woman’s expectation, then he may see himself as a bad lover.
Yet, a woman needs to own her responsibility for her pleasure and orgasm so that the man can please her as she desires.
I suggest spending some time exploring your body and your partner’s body so that you can get an idea of what you like and what your partner likes. Trust me it will help.
Myth #3: Men must masturbate to last longer
I have had so many conversations with guys and girls that believe this is a strong truth. Their thought is that in order for a man to last longer during sex he needs to masturbate.
Here is the thing. This idea in action has the potential for developing premature ejaculation disorder. For instance, if the guy lives at home or with roommates and he is trying to masturbate in private at a quick pace. Conditioning can take place, which then creates a quick ejaculation time.
There is also the fact that men who use porn to masturbate tend to develop issues such as unrealistic expectations of women, takes more than just vaginal sex to excite the man, and/or can rewire the brain so that it is constantly seeking this pleasure.
There are techniques that can help a man last longer that do not require masturbation. Kegel exercises help to strengthen the pelvic muscle, which can reduce the ejaculation time. There is a technique called start and stop. Here is an article discussing both of these Tips for Curing Premature Ejaculation. Both help with premature ejaculation and lasting longer.
Remember the average time of a man’s ejaculation is 2 to 5 minutes.
These are just a few of the myths that both men and women buy into concerning men’s sexual nature. They really are just that, myths.
Men’s thinking is more complex than thinking about sex every 7 seconds.
Men want more than just sex. Men, although they may fear it sometimes, want close intimate relationships with women.
Men are not in charge of a woman’s orgasm. There are many pleasurable differences among women for men to naturally know what to do with every woman.
The average ejaculation time of men is 2-5 minutes. Lasting this long is normal. If a man does choose to try to last longer, watching porn and masturbating is not the answer. There are other techniques out there to help them last longer during intercourse.
There is more to us men than just sex.
originally posted on The Good Men Project